open heart

I woke up at 8 to prepare for a ride to Boston with my older, little brother, Jared. He had to go to the Spanish Consulate to pick up his student visa for his semester abroad in Seville, Spain. He leaves in a week for four months.

It took us about 2 hours from one end of the MassPike to the other. I shared stories about my experiences abroad in The Netherlands back in 2000. It was fun to recall all the different places I visited... prague, copenhagen, paris, barcelona, seville, rotterdam, amsterdam, neimeigen, weil, florence, kolon... and maybe some others that I very well may have forgotten. It's so touching to me that my little brother, although we're not super close, has picked up on some of my loves- travel and the Spanish language. The more I shared with him the more confident I became that I will be a great Mom- something that recently I've questioned constantly.

While Jared is gone experiencing Europe, we are both going to miss out on major milestones in each others lives. He will miss the birth of my daughter and I will miss his 21st birthday. Jared asked many questions about the development of babies.. how soon do they crawl? why do older kids need car seats? He said he had never held a new baby, except for our littlest brother when he was four years old. His interest in my baby, his niece, meant so much to me. I can't wait to see the two of them together. Im so grateful for the time we got to spend together today- and wish him the greatest of luck in his travels.

Once I got home, I drank a glass of water and hopped back in the car. Matt and headed off to meet my  Dad, my second mother, sister and niece for dinner. We had a great time chatting and playing with little Harper. I was honored to feel the blessings that came today from being able to spend time with both of my families.

I've had a hard time in the past opening my heart to the ones that love me- which has left me unpredictable, distant and lonely in most of my relationships- professional, romantic and platonic. I've been working hard the past moth to expose my funny little heart.  Im happy to report, the more I open my heart, the more love that seeps in. I appreciate the opportunity to grow this part of my being and to share it and teach it to my little girl. It feels good to see and feel myself growing closer to a more emotionally stable and compassionate being.

It feels good to hug- to smile- to trust and to just be. I thank the universe for allowing me to awaken to the power that I have to change what I have believed in the past, I could not. I am happy for everyone who has made strides like this in their own lives and thank you for placing that strength into the universe for others like me to harness. May we all feel this power more often in the new year.